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The Heart of the Matter

“My thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it’s about forgiveness…” (Don Henley)
***
So I hear that my ex-husband has done gone and married his girlfriend. If this is true (and I have no reason to believe otherwise as the news comes from a very credible source), then I wish them all the best and I hope it works out for them. This is how I feel…really, truly, honestly, swear on my sister’s grave.
My immediate response to the “So, have you heard…” was one of surprise because I hadn’t really thought about my ex in a while. And while I’m telling my friend that I hope it works out for them and yadda yadda, I’m also thinking in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, this is going to be that pivotal moment when the floodgates open and emotions that have been suppressed for almost two years gush forth, causing a minor meltdown. I braced myself and waited. It didn’t come. The few friends I’ve relayed this bit of news to have all responded gingerly and I can tell they also expect some sort of reaction from me. It’s been about a week and I’m calling off the flood warning. I’m in the clear.
I used to think that if I ever found myself faced with the very heartbreak and chaos I feared the most, I would just up and leave the island because Guam is so small, it’s pretty much impossible to not look down any random street and be inundated with a dozen different memories associated with it. I’m so glad that was not the case. Had I left two years ago, I might not have learned as much about myself. I might not have discovered how strong, capable or self-reliant I can be. Had I run away two years ago, I might not be the woman I am now, and wouldn’t that be a shame because I really like who I’m turning out to be. I know who I am, what I want, what I believe in, and what I won’t put up with. I also know, without a doubt, that I can get myself through ANYTHING without breaking down or losing my mind. You couldn’t pay me to go back and change a single thing. Heartbreak and disappointment have been very good for me.
So, I wish them well, just as I would wish for anyone taking that monumental step of commitment. My best friend recently got engaged and I could not be happier or more excited for Julie and Ken. I still believe in the institution of marriage. I am not ruling it out of my own future. But for now, I am content with the present course my life is charting. And it’s full steam ahead, friends.

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7 Responses

  1. tricia says:

    You are an inspiration, even from halfway across the world. Thank you for sharing this with us …

  2. Daggz says:

    i believe in you.

  3. Michelle says:

    Amen, sista!! Being in a relationship is nice, but it’s not the be all end all.
    Self-cultivation and self-realization are the keys, with or without the other self—he has so far been mythical to me. 🙂

  4. chai says:

    My breath was held while I read this, I really admire how strong you are. **hug**

  5. Jim says:

    Hey Josie,
    You put that so eloquently. You’re a good person. And that good is going to come back to you. When you’re ready that will be the man of your dreams. Keep the faith!

  6. Nadia Wood says:

    I thought those very thoughts just a few months ago when I found out my exhusband was getting married. I love where my life has taken me and I cherish all that I have learned and who I have become. My experience was difficult but monumental. Just like you, I wish him the best. And for their sake (my exhusband and his new wife) I sincerely hope that he has grown and learned as well.

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