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Life Goes On

One day you will take a chance again.
But before you do, your heart will break like nothing before. The core of everything you love and know to be true will be ripped to shreds. Something inside you will die. It will be a failure and disappointment you will never fully recover from. It will turn you into a skeptic. You’ll be insensitive to others and you won’t give a damn.
The only thing you will have the will to do is get up every morning, go to work, find a bar at 6:00 and drink away the parts of the day you cannot put away from your mind. You’ll do this as often as every day, even Sunday. There was a time when you loved spontaneity, but those days are no more. You’ll live by routine. There is far less to think about when you live by routine and you’re better off not thinking about anything.
***
One day someone nice will say, “I think you’re great. Would you like to go out sometime?”
You’ll smile politely and graciously decline. What you’ll really be thinking is, Hell no. Never again.
You will become a non-believer.
Taking chances will never cross your mind.
***
Your friends will pull you up and out of that thick, black, sticky mess.
Slowly, very slowly, they will help rebuild you and make you feel a little more whole.
You’ll start to like things again.
You’ll start to like yourself again.
One day you’ll laugh and even feel good about it.
***
One day you’ll be hanging out with a friend and something inside you will stir quietly and very unexpectedly.
It’ll scare the crap out of you because it’s coming from a place you thought had died a long time ago.
You’ll want to resist it, but you won’t because it’s that good.
One day your heart will ache, and it will not be because it is broken, but because it is so full.
And one day you’ll decide to take a chance again.

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14 Responses

  1. tom says:

    mazal tov! 🙂

  2. Mae says:

    Good on you! Merry Christmas, Josie-girl!

  3. fabmimi says:

    such inevitable truths that can only be understood when in these moments you’ve described…
    the concept of “again” is so weighted. i don’t know if i can say i’ve always taken chances but i am definitely building myself up for new ones.
    my heart is getting full just thinking about it.
    love you 🙂

  4. vincenzo says:

    your post has brightened my day…did i mention that how safeway didn’t let me in with my bicycle today?

  5. Daggz says:

    But you never forget… i still would rather be stabbed a thousand times than to ever feel that way again. i agree, you never really recover from that. That’s the one pain i would never wish on anybody. ever! you’re practically dead inside.
    …and nothing else matters. metallica
    geez, this post sent chills up my spine. again.
    don’t give up.
    welcome back.

  6. Annalynn says:

    Your words are so true. To add to that – after a crushing hurt, you love more deeply because you understand how special love is when it comes back into your life.

  7. Gene Park says:

    The only reason why it hurts so much is because you were once so happy, so full of life and love.
    For us to feel this kind of sadness, we should also feel fortunate that we were once blessed with a happiness that is rare in this world.
    What I feel today is a beautiful sadness.

  8. julie says:

    and one day, those very friends that accompanied you to happy hours (on SUNDAYS! even) will want to puke everytime that they see you cause youre so freaking sappy and happy.
    but, after they puke, like mimi said, their hearts will be *so full* for you.
    i miss not seeing you as much, but i must say, im so happy for you. muah!

  9. Ariya says:

    I love the way your mind works and I know just the perfect song to go with this post!
    Hang on Little Tomato by Pink Martini

  10. Michelle says:

    Oh, wow! You’ve told without telling! I’m also happy for you! (and feel the same way concerning love)

  11. Cristina says:

    🙂

  12. roel santiago says:

    Josies, well said…Sometime in our life we wish we have a heart of stone…Thank God for friends like you….

  13. Josita says:

    Now that speaks to my heart.. I know exactly how it feels! AND unlike you, I was a coward and moved away!
    One thing I learned is that millions of miles, different time zones, and a faster paced life does not erase all the hurt, emotions, memories from that past life. It aches years after… it truly does. I’m skeptical if love really is out there for me, but I’m open to the idea of being with someone else.

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