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A Moment of Clarity

A friend of mine was venting about a little bit of baggage that has come along with her new boyfriend. “He did the Guam thing and started a new relationship before getting over the old one,” she said.
This struck a chord with me because in my very early 20s I was guilty of this very same behavior. I’m older now and (I hope) wiser and thinking about how I jumped from one relationship to another makes my heart ache a little because I know now that I should have given myself some amount of time back then to heal and mature. The only reason I can think of why I didn’t allow myself to be alone for very long is I suppose I just hated the feeling of being alone. I guess you could say this fish needed a bicycle.
That I needed a bicycle, I mean a boyfriend, caused me to stay in a couple of relationships that were neither beneficial nor healthy for my own well-being. I allowed myself to be manipulated by jealous and controlling boys because at the time I was mentally immature and emotionally needy and I understood controlling to be a characteristic of love. He’s this way because he loves me so much. He needs me so much he can’t bear to be away from me. And I was completely fine with that because the bottom line was I needed to feel needed.
2007 has been a turbulent year of personal growth for me. I have had to work through the heartbreak and disappointment of letting a dream and life vision go unfulfilled. I’ve had to relearn things I’d forgotten, like how to live independently. There were moments when it was unclear whether I would ever see past the ache of being alone. You know the saying, That which does not kill you only makes you stronger? I really hate when people say that because it sounds so dismissive, but it’s true. And I can only believe it now because being alone has not broken me. On the contrary…I’m pretty confident I can get myself through anything now.
But getting back to the “Guam” thing about jumping from one relationship to another. Firstly, I don’t believe it’s just a Guam thing. Secondly, I certainly can’t blame people for doing just that, having been there myself. In fact, shortly after my separation there came opportunities for me to drown my pain and sorrow in another person and forget about reality for a while. I could have taken that path of dealing, but for whatever reason (and I hope it’s because I’m wiser now) I didn’t. I am better and stronger because of it.
Anyway. Those are just some thoughts that were going through my mind while I was in the shower this morning. πŸ™‚

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9 Responses

  1. daggz says:

    it doesn’t help that christmas is in about 90 days. its a good thing that you have a great bunch of loyal friends. those are the hardest to find and the ones you don’t ever want to lose.

  2. daggz says:

    Still, it does suck to be alone!

  3. tom says:

    you are much stronger than you know girl.

  4. Gail says:

    It feels good to be adult, in control and at peace with where you are, doesn’t it? Excellent job of staying true to yourself and allowing time to do its job. Not that things will be all perfect (heaven forbid!), but there is a quiet confidence that cannot be taken from you when you survive and thrive through the hard times. Big hugs to you from all of us!

  5. vincenzo says:

    bicycles are great escapes πŸ™‚ i own 3

  6. Christine Lalaine says:

    Be honest… It was Matthew Goode, wasn’t it?

  7. Michelle says:

    This is a great reflection, Josie. I agree that most people easily rush into relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.
    I have been single for 3 years now and I’m very much happy. I know that the right person will happen in time, and it’s not for me to tell.
    I don’t really care, actually. I’m just glad I have people who love me because that’s what matters the most.

  8. Dukduk says:

    josita…if only u were ugly like me then u wouldn’t have to worry about relationships

  9. Josie says:

    You, my friend, are most definitely NOT ugly!
    And that’s not the beer goggles talking, either. lol

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