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Six Weeks

What was once a bed of sufficient size suddenly felt as though I were sleeping on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Until I started sleeping right smack in the middle. Does your bed feel too big? Reclaim it and sleep in the middle. It worked for me. It also helps if you have two fat cats who like to sleep with you. Lucky me.
I’ve said before that if I ever found myself in the situation I am currently in, I’d probably leave the island because Guam is so small, it’s pretty much impossible to not look down any random street and be flooded with a dozen different memories associated with it. I am surprised and happy to find that I have no desire to move away, not even temporarily. I cannot imagine ever being able to call another place home. This is really good news.
I continue to be overwelmed and incredibly humbled by the love and kindness of friends and strangers. They send email, buy me dinner and tell me funny stories. They watch cheesy movies with me, strip down to their skivvies and go swimming at 2 in the morning with me. They help in every way, from checking the air pressure and tread in my tires to securing free legal services from one of the top attorneys on island. And if that weren’t enough, I was reminded that I have friends I don’t even know about. They are the ones who send me postcards in the mail and gifts from my Amazon wish list even though we’ve never met. It is all too much. I could never ever be grateful enough.
I’d like to say that I’ve been so occupied that I’ve not had the opportunity to be lonely, but that would not be entirely true. I’ve had plenty of alone time, however, I am not lonely. I don’t know how to describe it, only to say that I am really enjoying the times of solitude. I feel almost empowered by it. It’s trippy.
The hardest adjustment by far has been having to survive on my income alone. When you have a two income household (and no children) you do things like buy a new car and take out a personal loan because you can afford it. All I can say is that I’m going to be poor for a while until I finish paying for all the stuff I was once able to afford. I’ll admit of all the things I could worry about, this occupies my mind the most. My daily mantra borrows a phrase from Alanis: What it all comes down to is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine.
It’s working so far.
On ragged roads to better days (Goodbye)

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15 Responses

  1. Joie says:

    hugs from across the pacific. 🙂

  2. les says:

    i hear and feel what you are going thru right now, i can relate in many different ways…
    love is what you have coming from everywhere, i’m glad you know this, you are not alone, we are here when you need us and at times when you don’t…
    see you tonight…
    hugs and smooches…
    Les

  3. marcel says:

    Like tupac said “you gotta keep your head up”…teehee

  4. Annalynn says:

    Josie –
    You speak such truth. There are times when I felt like the island was crushing me because I couldn’t escape, couldn’t hide. But I realize that living on a small island, where everyone knows you and you know everyone is like a warm blanket. It wraps around you and keeps you warm and feeling safe when the you are at your most vunerable. I miss that.

  5. fabmimi says:

    1 is not a lonely number…it’s the Winner! Heheh sorry to bring the cheese. You could sooo use me for lonely undoing any day….even if we have yet to meet and are thousands of miles apart.

  6. Michelle says:

    You go girl! (not away … I mean this in terms of empowerment)
    I know you’ll be fine, because you have that moxie!
    And, if you ever need help, it’s just a holler away, past the 3rd coconut tree near the Mobil over by the old power pole.
    heheh. 🙂 I’m sure you know what I mean. take care.

  7. tricia says:

    to paraphrase from one of my favorite songs, you are an extraordinary machine!

  8. donna says:

    josie, who sings that song? it’s soooo nice!!!
    *hugs*

  9. Skazius says:

    Were gonna break out the hats and hooters
    When josie comes home
    Were gonna rev up the motor scooters
    When josie comes home to stay
    Were gonna park in the street
    Sleep on the beach and make it
    Throw down the jam till the girls say when
    Lay down the law and break it
    When josie comes home
    When josie comes home
    So good
    Shes the pride of the neighborhood
    Shes the raw flame
    The live wire
    She prays like a roman
    With her eyes on fire
    Jo would you love to scrapple
    Shell never say no
    Shine up the battle apple
    Well shake em all down tonight
    Were gonna mix in the street
    Strike at the stroke of midnight
    Dance on the bones till the girls say when
    Pick up whats left by daylight
    When josie comes home
    When josie comes home
    So bad
    Shes the best friend we ever had
    Shes the raw flame
    The live wire
    She prays like a roman
    With her eyes on fire
    When josie comes home
    So good
    Shes the pride of the neighborhood
    Shes the raw flame
    The live wire
    She prays like a roman
    With her eyes on fire
    Steely Dan

  10. christine says:

    like my dad says: how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.

  11. resuri says:

    Since we’re on this topic…
    Josie
    (by Blink 182)
    yeah my girlfriend
    takes me home when i’m to drunk to drive
    and she doesn’t get all jealous when i
    hang out with the guys
    she laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does
    she brings me mexican food from sombrero’s just because
    yeah just because
    and my girlfriend likes UL and DHC*
    and she’s so smart and independent
    i don’t think she needs me
    quite half as much as i know i need her
    i wonder why there’s not another
    guy that she’d prefer
    and when i feel like giving up
    like my world is falling down
    i show up at three a.m.
    she’s still up watching “vacation”
    and i see her pretty face
    it takes me away to a better place and
    i know that everything
    know that everything
    know that everything
    everything’s gonna be fine
    yeah my girlfriend takes collect calls from the road
    and it doesn’t seem to matter that i’m lacking in the bulge
    she laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does
    she brings me mexican food from sombrero’s just because
    and when i feel like giving up
    like my world is falling down
    i show up at three a.m.
    she’s still up watching “vacation”
    and i see her pretty face
    it takes me away to a better place and
    i know that everything
    know that everything
    know that everything
    everything’s gonna be fine
    * UL = Unwritten Law
    DHC= Dance Hall Crashers

  12. Josie says:

    Hugs and kisses for everyone! I love you guys.

  13. maybelle urquico says:

    i remember a time when i prayed for a SINCERE person to appear in my hospital room just to make me FEEL i had someone and there you were : sharing your own memories of your sister. i silently thought: wow…we don’t really know each other but she came over here , brought me flowers & cared to talk.
    i’ll never forget that kindess. (it’s just kinda frustrating when i learned that the “lengua de gato ” i asked my now ex, failed to give it to you:(
    oh well….anyways, i still do visit your website whenever i miss guam 🙂 and yes, you’re in my prayers .
    +hugs from Chicago:)
    ~maya

  14. oh wow josie,
    I had no idea this was happening – I’m so sorry, and I hope things are going better for you now – it sounds like you’re doing quite well for yourself and I admire your strength! Things will start to look up, I’m sure – you’re *amazingly talented* and inhouse obviously recognizes that in you! yay 😀 *sending big hugs to you from san diego*
    tammy

  15. Josita says:

    I realize this happened to you sometime ago, but I’ve got tears in my eyes.

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