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Be amazed by Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
norris1.jpgChuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
norris2.jpgChuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from darkside-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and SCHIT.COM on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
norris3.jpgHellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the SCHIT.COM out of little kids.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
(via Brother)

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6 Responses

  1. Brother says:

    lmao.. My fav. is the Transformers part. I was in class when I read this, I stepped out cause I was crying from trying to hold back from laughing.

  2. carolyn says:

    and all this time i thought it was the ketel fcuking me up at the bar…

  3. Michelle says:

    Hah hah, that is too funny. By the way, my dad loves Chuck Norris and has a book that he wrote called The Secret of Inner Strength. It’s actually quite good.
    Did your brother write all that? It’s good writing!

  4. Cristina says:

    :’D
    Years ago I had a patient who was in her deathbed and her last wish was for us to keep her “Walker, Texas Ranger” videotape on repeat.

  5. Ang says:

    my grandmother watches all his shows like clockwork everyday if they are still playing it..
    now i am gonna look at buying her the DVD for xmas.. lol.. thanks josie.. or josie’s bro..
    Ang

  6. Simone says:

    Hello!! Here in Italy, we can watch Chuck Norris every day at 8:10 pm on Rete4 in “Walker Texas Ranger”, him old serial!
    Ciao

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